


Starshine

by DustyAttic



Series: Evak Family [7]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Dyslexia, Eden's shame, F/M, It's here lol, M/M, Romance, Took forever I know, inferiority compex, learning to love yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 18:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyAttic/pseuds/DustyAttic
Summary: Isak and Even's son, Eden, has never been the important one. Or the smart one. Or the talented one.But the new girl in school believes otherwise.This is Eden's shame.





	Starshine

**Author's Note:**

> Guys. I did it. I wrote Eden's shame. 
> 
> This one took me forever. I know I said that about Aspen's, but... this one took the cake. 
> 
> I really hope you guys like it. It's kind of different from the other two, but I loved writing it so much. 
> 
> As always, thank you for all the support while I write this series. I could never do it with out you!<33

“You are brilliant,” she whispered, hands strong on either side of his face, voice fierce and sure. 

 

Eden wasn’t the important one. He never had been. 

He wouldn’t complain about it- it wasn’t as if he’d been neglected. His dads were great. They came to his every soccer game and school recital, they drove him to his friends’ houses and trusted him indefinitely. And they loved him, and they loved each other. He grew up in a house full of love. 

And Eden had such a close relationship with his siblings. Faina was his big sister, his protector. She’d always been such a beautiful soul, a light in their lives, and Eden looked up to her maybe just as much as he did his dads. And Aspen, he looked up to Aspen, too. Aspen was his best friend, and he was brave and talented and quick, good in school. They both were. Faina was a straight 6 student, a hard worker, the star in a lot of the school plays; Aspen got mostly 5s and 6s, even though he didn’t study all that much, and he was a prime ballet dancer. They were so, so important. 

And Eden wasn’t, really. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t do things. He was a really good football keeper and he made pretty good marks. He studied really hard- sometimes hard enough to give himself bad migraines and more stress than he could swallow. But it just didn’t pay off the way it did for his siblings. 

The first time he noticed, he was probably only six. Aspen was reading and Eden was sitting beside him, coloring. “What’s this word?” Aspen had asked, turning the page towards him and pointing. Eden looked, ready to answer if he could, when he realized he didn’t really know… any of the words. He could never have read that book, but Aspen was reading it with ease. 

Instead of saying all this, though, he just blinked and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

 

As he grew up, he noticed it more and more. Noticed how other kids could read out loud without losing their place, getting confused, switching one word for the next. How his brother could count by fives without using his fingers, how Eden couldn’t read maps without getting disoriented or never exactly got the hang of left and right. He tried to keep it on the backburner, compensate with little hacks and coping mechanisms that hid the worst of the struggling. But it was tiring. And it was hard. 

“Dad?” he’d said once, leaning against Isak on the tram as he tried to read his level three chapter book. He was nine or ten and the letters were swimming. 

“What’s up, angel?” 

“I can’t read like the other kids,” he sighed, frustrated. He was on level three while everyone else was on at least level five. Isak knew this, because of the worried parent-teacher conference he and Even had gone to a few weeks ago. So he leaned over and kissed the side of Eden’s head. 

“Everyone learns differently,” he whispered. “So we’re going to take you to see a lady at school, so she can help us understand how you learn, okay?”

Eden closed his eyes and put the book down. He knew what lady they were talking about- the special education counselor. She’d been saying hi to him in the halls ever since his dads went in to talk to Mrs. King, so he’d suspected they were going to take him to her. He didn’t know what that would mean, really, except for that he would be one of the stupid kids. Aspen was already smart and Faina doing great at Nissen, and Eden was going to be one of the stupid kids. Or maybe he already was. 

“Okay, bud?” his dad pressed, nudging him again. Eden nodded slightly. 

“Okay.”

 

They said he was dyslexic, which to him had always just meant letters switched around. Except, as his counselor explained, it actually meant that letters and numbers switched around and lines of text moved on top of each other and mental math was really, really difficult and he’d probably always have to count on his hands and he would be shit at reading difficult texts and he had a slim chance of really doing much. That’s not exactly what she said, but it’s what he heard. 

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” his pappa asked when they got home. 

And Eden opened his mouth to say something, that he was scared and frustrated and confused, but then he saw the darkness under Even’s eyes and thought of how Faina had woken them all up three nights ago gagging for air, body betraying her, and figured his pappa had more important things to worry about. “I’m fine.” He would just have to try harder. 

So he did try harder. He stayed up too late studying and cranked out 5s like his life depended on it. He learned trivia so he could pull out random facts and seem smart around his friends. He smiled and nodded when his teacher suggested that he just check his work one more time, as if checking his work would let him see what his brain literally couldn’t process.

“We all have things that we have to cope with,” his pediatrician told him when he quietly admitted some of his frustrations, ashamed of himself. “And I’d say you’re coping really well.”

And she was right; they did all have things they had to cope with. Faina coped with long, sleepless nights- as did Eden, but probably not to the same extent, he told himself- and panic attacks, with falling in love with her best friend and coming out to a world that might’ve hated her for it. Aspen had to cope with the pressure he put on himself to be perfect, and, as he had tearfully explained one night, the pressure he put on himself to shrink into nothing. And Eden? Eden had to cope with being kind of stupid. His problems weren’t the important ones, either. 

Maybe that’s why staying quiet was so easy. After another studying for six hours and then sleeping for two, Eden would get up and smile, take his test and earn his 5-, and later he’d hear Aspen tell Ida that he got a 6 on the same test even though he was at dance the entire night before and then went right to bed. And he’d keep smiling, go home and tell his dads that his day was good, and study harder. 

“Why do you take school so seriously?” Kristine asked him once, sipping her red wine and staring at him with big blue eyes. Johan and Aspen were in the other room getting high, and Ida had gone to the bathroom. Eden didn’t smoke or drink, really, so he usually stayed in on Friday nights, or went to visit his grandparents with his dads, but Isak and Even were going out for their friend Magnus’s birthday that night, so he didn’t have much else to do besides come to Kristine’s kose party. 

“It’s just important to me, I guess,” he’d mumbled back, shrugging. 

“Yeah, but…” she’d looked around here, knitting her eyebrows together. “I guess it’s just not what people would think when they first look at you.”

“What do you mean?” Eden asked. 

“I just mean… you’re tall. You’re cute. You’re kind of toned. I would think you’re more of a jock than a nerd on first glance.”

“Are those the only options?” he asked, raising one eyebrow, and Kristine laughed and rolled her eyes. 

“Nei. But, you know. In a black and white world.”

“Hm. Well, I guess I would be a nerd, then.”

“You’re already a nerd. You go visit your Nonna more often than you come to mine, you don’t drink or smoke or hook up with anyone, you study really hard,” she reached over and took his arm, “you’re the sweetest guy I know. Maybe the sweetest person.”

Smiling, Eden blushed. “Thanks, Krissie,” he said softly. It made him proud, to be the sweetest person she knew. Because if he couldn’t be good at anything in particular, he’d always told himself, he could at least be a good person. 

So, Eden had rules. Study hard. Fake what you can’t do. Don’t break the rules you respect. Don’t complain about your problems. And, biggest of all, be a good person. Be kind. Always. 

And that’s how he ended up in the library on a Friday, biology book open, a slight pout on his face as he tried to figure out a trick to remember the differences between meiosis and mitosis. 

And that’s how he ended up being startled by whoever was sitting down across from him. 

When he looked up, there was a girl there. With big, dirty blonde curls, and dark eyebrows, and hazel eyes. She was covered head to toe in freckles, and was wearing a jean jacket over her magenta t-shirt dress. “Hi,” she said quietly, smiling at him, and he couldn’t quite place her accent. But it wasn’t from Oslo. And he had never seen her before. 

“Hi,” he breathed back. She smiled again, and then pulled out her own biology book, and set to work. 

He had never been so aware of somebody’s presence. As the hour ticked on, she highlighted certain passages in pink, others in yellow. She scribbled in the margins. And, as much as Eden tried to focus, all he could think about was the beautiful smile. 

After awhile, she looked up and out the window, just staring. And Eden could feel the nervousness in his stomach swell as he asked, “Are you new?”

Except she didn’t answer. Just kept staring, brow furrowed slightly, yellow highlighter in hand. So Eden cleared his throat and asked again, tilting his head into her view. She glanced at him.

“Sorry, what?” she asked after a moment, blinking a few times.

“I asked if you were new,” he said, nerves scratching his voice. He tried to swallow it down. 

“Oh. Yeah. My family just moved, um, from Trondheim.”

“Cool,” Eden smiled, and she smiled back. And then the bell rang, and this strange, sunny girl stood up, gave him a little wave while gathering her things, and left. 

 

He didn’t see her again until monday, when he walked into his biology class and she was sitting by the windows, seemingly engrossed in the view outside. 

Instead of working up the courage to sit next to her, he just sat in his regular seat, and watched her as she watched the birds. 

 

He was walking to the cafeteria after class when she caught up to him. Coming up from behind, she layed on hand on his shoulder, effectively startling him. “Oh, fuck, hi,” he breathed as he saw her. “Sorry, sorry, you just…”

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I was just… could you show me where the cafeteria is?”

Today she was in a forest green sweater and a pair of mom jeans with holes in the knees. Her hair was in two long braids. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, I can do that.”

 

“Hey guys,” Eden said as they sat down that day. “This is…” here he gestured, realizing he hadn’t actually gotten her name. 

“Mathilde,” the girl said, and Eden smiled, biting the inside of his lower lip. 

“Ja, Mathilde. She’s from Trondheim.”

“Cool,” Kristine said, sticking out one hand. “I’m Kristine.”

“Kristine,” Mathilde repeated back. As everyone introduced themselves, she repeated each name, as if to make sure she heard it correctly. 

“And I’m Eden,” Eden said softly, after everyone else. She smiled at him. 

“Eden.”

“Yeah. Aspen’s actually my brother.”

“I always wanted siblings,” she said, nodding slightly. 

“We have an older sister, too. Faina.”

“You all have such cool names.”

Flushing, Eden looked down. “Thank you. I love your name, too.”

She beamed, barely sticking her tongue between her teeth, and looked like she was going to say something back, but then Eden looked away because Ida was saying something. 

“So what’s it like in Trondheim?” Ida asked from across the table, except Mathilde didn’t respond. She just kept smiling at Eden. 

“Mathilde?” Ida repeated, leaning over to tap her. The girl started and turned. 

“Sorry, sorry,” she rushed out. “I’m, um, I’m actually deaf. I read lips, but I can’t…”

“You’re deaf?” Kristine asked, just as Eden was thinking it. 

“Yeah,” Mathilde nodded. “Have been since I was seven. That’s why I pass so well, since my accents not that noticeable. I was talking for a while before I lost my hearing.”

There was a brief silence before Johan said, “Wow, that’s pretty incredible that you can read lips,” and then she was smiling again. 

 

There were a lot of incredible things about Mathilde, as Eden was learning with every day they got to know each other. She was a really good football defender and drew really good characters, plus she made pretty much straight 6s, which seemed totally crazy to Eden. “Isn’t it hard, keeping up with the the teachers? They’re not facing you all the time, and you’d have to be watching them so how do you take notes?” he asked as they sat on one of the benches outside school, sharing a thing of fries that Aspen had given him after running to maccas. 

“Yeah, it’s hard, but in every class I have somebody whose notes I use, and I read the book really closely. I used to have an interpreter, at my old school, but it sucked. I hated being that… weird. You know? I figured, new start here. No interpreter,” she responded. Eden stared at her, eyes wide. 

“You speak sign language, right?”

“Well, we don’t really call it ‘speaking,’ sign language,” she giggled, and Eden flushed. 

“Right,” he nodded. “But you… know it?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. 

“That’s really amazing,” he practically sighed. She tilted her head towards him, looking incrediably fond, and he really just wanted to reach out and take her hand, but he’d never really done that with anyone, so instead he asked, “How do you say my name?” 

“Oh,” she said, bringing up one hand. “Here, um… well, you spell it like this.” Carefully, she brought her fingers into four different shapes, saying each letter as she went. “But that’s only how we talk about people we don’t know very well. With people we know, you have a name symbol.”

“A name symbol?”

“Yeah, mine is like,” here she folded her fingers into a shape and then made a gesture with her arm. “I keep my hand in the m, but I do the sign for ‘strong.’” Here she kind of blushed, looking down. “You don’t give them to yourself. Another deaf person has to give them to you.”

“Do I get one?” Eden asked, smiling slightly, and she scrunched up her nose. 

“You’re a hearing person. I’ve gotta know you way better to give you a name symbol.”

“Oh, so you’re saying you wanna get to know me better?” he joked, not expecting her to look away and laugh through her nose, soft. 

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

 

“How was your day?” his dad asked him later, while he was sitting in his room, writing out his notes again to try to drill them into his memory. Eden was still full from the fries, and he’d made the most amazing girl he’d ever met laugh three times, and it was starting to get cold outside and winter was his favorite season. But Isak looked tired, distracted, probably from another long day at the hospital, so he just smiled at his next bullet point about the mitochondria.

“It was good, Dad. How was yours?”

 

“You’re a really fast learner.”

When Mathilde said this to him, Eden literally stopped what he was doing and looked at her. “What?”

“I… said you’re a fast learner,” Mathilde responded, sighing as she spoke. “It usually takes people way longer to pick up even rudimentary sign.”

“Well, I have been at it for a while now.”

They were at her house, like they usually were after school. Mathilde’s parents were rarely home, and Eden’s house was overcrowded, so they went to her place. “I would like to meet your dads,” she once told him, but he shrugged it off, because bringing a girl home would mean he liked her, which he did, but his dads would start gushing, and he’d never been in that spotlight before. Didn’t want, or really deserve, to start now. 

“Yeah,” she was saying at the moment. “But you’re really getting good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I think it might even be time for your… name symbol,” here she raised her eyebrows, smiling. She was in a pink sweater and jeans, all bundled up for the cold. 

“Really?” Eden said back, lighting up, and she nodded. 

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it long and hard, and I think…” she curled her hand into an e and then signed it in a way he didn’t recognize. 

“What does it mean?” he asked when she way done.

“Starshine,” she responded. “Because you’re… bright. You know? You’re smart and… you just…” she was flushing, now, as pink as her sweater. “You just glow.”

Eden opened his mouth and closed it again. “Can you show me?” he finally whispered, slowly signing along. 

She nodded, reaching out to take his hand. As soon as she was holding it, however, they both stopped moving, and then she looked up at him with wide eyes and slowly nudged her face closer to his. 

When she closed her eyes, he did, too, and the next thing he felt was her lips on his, soft. For a few seconds, they just kissed, and then she went back down to her heels and moved his hand as the sign she’d produced a moment earlier. 

“Eden,” she whispered after she was done. “That’s your name symbol.”

“It’s beautiful,” he signed, not talking, and then he kissed her again. 

 

“You’ll always be my baby brother,” Faina was telling Aspen as he groaned about her treating him like a toddler. 

Eden was on cloud nine. 

“Yeah, but you could give me serious relationship advice instead of cooing over me and Ida like we just got together.”

Somehow this made more butterflies flutter through Eden’s stomach. 

“Nah, you’ll always be the two cute kids who fell in love. Not that you have anything on me and Lisa.”

“Oh please, me and Ida have only been together for three years less than you, which is not a lot considering I’m five years younger than you.”

And that, somehow, killed the butterflies. 

Eden finally looked up from his phone to his siblings, frowning. They were both in long-term relationships. They’d both been dating the same person for years, since they were barely teenagers. A person they’d known forever. And here he was getting oh-so-excited over a kiss with a girl he’s just met a few months ago, a kiss that might not go anywhere. It suddenly seemed so… trivial. Just like everything in his life always did. 

“It’s not that impressive. You were always, like, 90% dating. I’m surprised it took you until 13 to get your shit together,” Faina shrugged, and Aspen threw a pillow at her. He was looking healthy, strong. The bags under her eyes were almost gone. 

Eden looked like he always did, which is to say he looked fine. 

So, when Mathilde texted him and the biggest smile bloomed over his face, prompting Faina to go, “Ooh, who are you talking to?” he just told her it was Kristine sending him a meme, got up, and went to his room. 

 

“You don’t want… to tell Aspen?” she repeated, staring at him with a furrowed brow. Eden blushed, looking down, and shook his head. “Why?”

“Because he just… he’s going through a lot, and… well, my whole family just… it’s just complicated,” he finally sighed, signing what he could while talking along. 

“Complicated how? Aspen and Ida are dating. Your parents are cool with dating, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. But they’ve been together for a long time, and my dads have always known her, so…”

Mathilde smiled, rolled her eyes. “Are you all in a cult or something? Do I have to be a part of the bloodline to date you?”

“No,” Eden laughed, reaching forward to take one of her hands. “I just… everyone in my family has something going on right now. And I’ve never really… had a girlfriend. So if I tell them about you, they’ll get all… excited, which isn’t bad, but… I just don’t want them wasting their energy on me. They all have other stuff going on. You know?”

“We don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want,” she said softly, stepping forward. “But I don’t think they’d consider it ‘wasting’ their energy. Okay?” 

“I know, I know,” Eden shook his head. She was staring at him with the most sincere eyes, and he just wanted to go to a quiet place and talk to her forever. “But just… give me time, please.”

Here, she nodded, reaching up to run one thumb over his jaw. “Yeah. Okay.”

Guilt curled in his stomach, bitter like a bad pecan. He knew it was unfair, maybe, but he just couldn’t handle it. The pleased looks they’d all have when he told them, like he was finally doing something right. And he knew that was unfair, too; his family didn’t think of him like that. But he thought of himself like that, and he wanted to keep her, this amazing, strong girl, away from those feelings as long as could. Because when she kissed him, and it tasted sweet, like something new.

“So,” she whispered after pulling away. “You’ve never had a girlfriend before?”

Eden laughed, flushed. “Umm, no. I’ve never… I’m not really…”

“Wait, was I your first kiss?” she squeaked, dropping his hands, and he flushed further. 

“I mean, like… yeah, but…”

“Oh my god, you’re the sweetest. You know that, right? I just… you’re so…” here she shook her head, biting her lip, and he brought up his hands to defend himself. 

“I’m not a pure angel or anything. I just don’t really see the… point in it all.”

“From what I’ve heard,” she shrugged, sitting on the edge of her bed, “you’re pretty pure. Don’t drink, don’t smoke.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I hate drinking and smoking, I just don’t… like it. And parties are loud. Plus I visit my Nonna most fridays, so…”

“And you say you’re not pure,” she giggled. He sat next to her and picked up one of her hands, bringing it to his face and kissing the back. 

“Do you?” he asked after a quiet moment. “Drink and smoke, I mean.”

Somewhere outside, a dog was barking. “Not really,” she sighed. “It’s dangerous, for me. I can’t read lips as well, and it’s just… dangerous. Yeah.”

“Yeah,” he nodded back. She looked up at him for a moment before shrugging again. 

“And my ex cheated on me when I was drunk, once. I couldn’t read his lips and he… I guess he just got sick of it all, you know?”

Heart heavy, Eden frowned. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I know,” she nodded. “So I dumped him. But he… all our friends kind of stuck with him, so… I guess I’m just glad we moved. It was getting really tiring, being around them all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” Eden said again, reaching forward to play with her hair. 

“Yeah, well… it was a long time ago.”

She blinked, looked down, and after a moment, he tilted her chin towards him again. “I’m glad you moved too. Really glad. Especially if it means you got away from that asshole.”

Smiling now, she nodded. “And especially since I got to meet you.”

 

“Do you like Mathilde?” Aspen asked. Eden was sitting on the floor, watching The Incredibles, while Aspen iced his entire body. 

“Why?” he asked back, making Aspen roll his eyes. 

“I see the way you look at her.”

Eden looked at him for a moment, wondering what Apsen would say if he told the truth. His brother was better at everything than he was. Why wouldn’t relationships be the same? He and Ida were solid as a rock, and Eden thought of nervously admitting that he did like Mathilde, and that they were becoming something, and then having to explain a few days later that she’d realized he was too stupid for her. And how Apsen would have to pretend not to pity him. Just like he always had to do. 

So Eden shrugged. “She’s amazing. But nothing would ever happen between us.”

 

“Are you okay?” Mathilde asked him one day while they were studying. Eden looked up from his book and frowned. 

“I’m fine. Why?” 

“You looked sad,” she said, not signing while she said it as the book was in her hands. 

Smiling a small smile, Eden shook his head. “I’m not sad. This test is just important.”

“I’m sure you’ll do well,” she said, tilting her head. “You’re the hardest worker I know.”

This made Eden’s smile a little bigger, even if he knew she was wrong. 

 

Winter always felt long to Eden. He liked spring best, and usually spent the cold months looking forward to it. This winter hadn’t been bad though. 

Mathilde just made him feel loved. Not that he hadn’t felt loved before, but she just… she was so warm. And she didn’t have these ideas of hin from when he was a kid, she didn’t know how once he’d cried in front of his whole class because he couldn’t remember the poem they were meant to recite. She would know, eventually, but because he would tell her. Not because she watched and formed all these opinions about him that stuck for over ten years. 

She was learning about him. And he was learning about her, too. 

 

Sometimes, it was the littles things. 

“You don’t like cherries?” he asked once, after he’d offered her some and she’d wrinkled her nose and shook her head.

“No,” she laughed, twirling one of her french braids around her finger. 

“Why not?”

“I used to love them,” she shrugged. “Then, when I was little, I ate too many and got sick.”

Laughing, Eden bumped his shoulder into hers and said, “I think you’re the only little kid who got sick off of too much fruit.”

“Anyway,” she laughed back, rolling her eyes. “I kept throwing up and it just- it tasted like cherries and-”

“Ew,” Eden giggled, shaking his head. 

“Shh, shh, I’m being serious,” she continued, “I kept throwing up, and so now they just remind me of vomit.”

“Well now they’re gonna remind me of vomit,” Eden said, throwing one at her and making her squeak and swat it away. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin cherries for you,” she sighed after a beat. 

“You didn’t ruin cherries for me,” he said back. “I won’t think of vomit. I’ll probably just think about your story.”

“Which will remind you of vomit,” she shrugged. 

“Which will remind me of you.”

At this, she stopped moving and looked up at him with the most wonderfully surprised face. “Who even are you?” she asked softly, reaching up to run one hand over his cheek. 

He reached up, too, and put one hand on top of hers, mumbling, “Nobody special,” before kissing her. 

 

Then, other times, it was more serious. Like when she quietly explained to him how she lost her hearing. 

“I was seven,” she said softly, wringing her hands around the sheets. “I just… fell out of bed. I hit my head, I guess. I don’t really remember. I just woke up on the ground. My head hurt, but I didn’t really… think much about it. I was little, so… yeah. I just got back in bed. Nothing seemed wrong. But then when I woke up… I didn’t really realize what was wrong. I just knew something was. And then I started to understand. You know? I didn’t want to believe it, but I started like… whistling, and then clapping, and it was like being underwater. I could see it all… but there was just silence.”

Eden frowned, lowering his eyes. “You must’ve been scared.”

“I was. And you don’t really realize how much you can hear until it’s all… gone. No wind. No pants swishing. Not even your own breathing. Just silence. After I realized, I called out for my mom. I couldn’t hear myself, which scared me even more. I started crying. Crying without hearing anything is scary. It’s like… it’s just you and your thoughts. I know hearing people feel like that sometimes, but it’s so different. It’s just you. All the time. So when my mom came in and started talking, and I couldn’t hear her, I just… I don’t remember much after that. I was just… screaming.”

She wiped at her eyes, taking a deep breath, and Eden tugged her closer, kissing the crown of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she shook her head. “It wasn’t even that bad, yet. When I realized I was actually… deaf, and that… I’d never be able to… hear my mom’s voice again, or sing in an acapella group, like I’d always wanted, or… just… hear anything. And I didn’t know sign, or how to read lips, so for a while… everyone was like, on the other side of a glass wall. I could see them, and they could see me, but we couldn’t interact. It was like being in a zoo. And we were all kids, and kids aren’t super… nice. Eventually my mom pulled me out of my school and put me into a school to learn sign, and taught classes in sign. Which was good, but… I was angry for a long time. I didn’t get why this was happening to me. I had to grow up really fast, and I… just didn’t know how. So when I got to secondary, I decided to go back into hearing school. I just wanted to be… normal. But I was still struggling to keep up in class, so my mom made me get an interpreter, mostly because everytime she’d try and help me come up with another system, I’d shut her out. So she just had to… make the choice for me. Since I refused to help. When we had to move, I was finally willing to… help myself. And so we came up with a system, and I figured out how to do what was best for me. And it’s better, now. It’s better.”

Eden nodded slightly, still frowning. “I can’t imagine. It must have been…”

“It was like I was the only person left on earth. Like everyone else was just… gone. They weren’t, but suddenly I had no way to… understand the world. Like… I could talk, but I couldn’t even hear what I was saying. Sometimes I would wonder if I was even saying anything at all. I would be alone, and I’d start talking to myself, just to test it. And I wouldn’t even know if anything was coming out. And then, even when I was with people, I still felt… so alone.”

Breathing out quietly, Eden reached down and tilted her chin up to face him. He didn’t know what to say, so instead he just signed it. 

You’re not alone.

 

She brought it up, once. How he didn’t seem to share as much with her as she did with him. “You can… tell me if you’re ever… sad, you know?” she said after asking him, again, if he anything was wrong while they were studying. 

“I know,” he said quietly. “And I will. I just… I’m not super good in school. So studying is just a little stressful.”

 

“Hey,” she shook her head, closing her book. “You’re smart. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.”

Eden smiled and looked away, laughing quietly through his nose. He say anything, which she took to mean he believed her. He just believed she believed it. 

 

And maybe that could be enough, sometimes. Like right now. 

Isak was pulling a tshirt on, while Even layed back on the bed, singing some stupid english love song to him. “You’re an idiot,” Isak giggled, tossing the shirt he had been wearing over Even’s face. 

“You love it,” Even said back, and before they could keep up with their lovey-dovey stuff, Eden cleared his throat. 

“Dads,” he said quietly, knocking on their door frame. They both looked up, smiling.

“Hey, buddy,” Isak said, nodding him in. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Eden shook his head, kind of by default. But instead of backing away and leaving them to do whatever they were doing, he wrung his hands together. “Can I… have somebody over for dinner?”

“Sure,” Even shrugged, raising his eyebrows at Isak, who nodded. “Who?”

Taking a deep breath, Eden closed his eyes and said softly, “My girlfriend, actually.”

“What?” Even squeaked, making Eden open his eyes. “Who is she?”

“Um…” Eden shook his head. “Mathilde.”

“The new girl?” Isak asked, sitting down on the bed. “When did this happen?”

“Well,” Eden shrugged. “A while ago, actually. Like, five months ago. In like November.”

“Does Aspen know?” Even asked, just as Isak said, “Why did you wait so long to tell us?”

“Aspen doesn’t know. Or, well… he suspects. But nobody really knows.”

“Why not?” Isak prodded gently. “I mean, if you want to tell us.”

“I just knew he would tell you. And I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Hey, why would that worry us?” Even asked quietly. 

“Or not worry, just… I didn’t wanna… distract you. From your work and stuff,” he shrugged, looking down. “But anyway, I just… when can she come over?”

“Just give us a date,” Isak said. “Whatever works for her, we’ll make it work.”

“Okay,” Eden said, standing. “Thank you.”

“And Eden, sweetheart. You’re not a distraction,” he heard Even say while he was on his way out.

He turned around and smiled at them. “Yeah.”

 

“So, Mathilde, how are you liking Oslo?” Even asked while he put down a plate of food. She was wearing a navy blue sweetheart dress, after asking Eden a million times how she should dress. He kept telling her whatever was fine, they wouldn’t care about how she was dressed, and then he went home and fretted over which button down to wear and how to style his hair. He texted her what a hypocrite he was, and she sent him a heart emoji. 

Now, he was discretely signing to her whatever his dads said when they weren’t looking at her. They knew she was deaf, but they would have to get used to all that entailed. 

“It’s nice,” Mathilde said. “It’s different, but it’s… nice.” She looked at Eden and bit her lower lip, trying not to smile. “Some parts are really nice.” 

Flushing, Eden tried not to smile, too. He saw his dads exchange a look. 

Aspen was at Ida’s, “chilling.” So it was just the four of them.

“That’s good,” Isak said softly. “Eden’s told us a lot of great things about you.”

She laughed quietly, tilting her head towards him. “Aww, such a softie.”

“You’re all embarrassing me,” Eden mumbled, rolling his eyes. 

“Sorry, bud, that’s what we do,” Even came by, patting his head. He put the last of the food down and sat across from Mathilde, giving her his biggest smile. “Ready to eat?”

 

After dinner, he walked her out, loosely threading their fingers together. 

“Your dads are great,” she said quietly. “I would’ve loved to meet them before, you know.”

“I know,” Eden mumbled, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and taking a deep breath off the top of her head. He pulled away and looked down at her. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” she replied. “I have no right to tell you what to do with your family. But I’m just wondering… you seem close. Why don’t you tell them more about your life?”

“I don’t know,” Eden said, pulling back and leaning down to kiss her brow. “It just never seemed important.”

“I’m not important?” she asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. 

“It’s not that,” he shook his head. “You’re the most important. I just… it’s just the way our family works.”

“Do they think that, or just you?” she asked, smiling. Eden hummed and kissed her on the mouth. When he pulled back, she was blushing. 

“I should go,” she said after a second, but she didn’t let go of his hands. “My mom will worry.”

“Okay,” he nodded, not letting go either. 

“But I really loved meeting your parents,” she whispered, staring at her shoes. Then she looked up, eyes nervous. “I love you.”

Eden felt most of the air drain out of his lungs, furrowing his eyebrows. “You love me?” 

“Yeah,” she laughed nervously. “You don’t… have to say it back, I just-”

“I love you, too,” he said breathlessly. “Oh my god, I love you.” 

“Yeah?” she giggled, putting her hands over his on her cheeks. 

“Yeah,” he said, leaning down to kiss her. 

“I love you,” she sighed after he pulled away. 

Eden leaned their foreheads together. “I love you, too.”

 

And so things were good. Really good. 

Until they weren’t. 

 

“Hey,” Mathilde said, sitting down next to Eden, taking him by surprise. He quickly shoved the paper he’d been looking at into his backpack. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head, taking a deep breath. “Nothing.”

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, concerned by his body language. 

“I’m fine,” he said, signing as he spoke, as always. “I’m gonna go study.”

“Are you sure? You don’t just want to go to my house and catch a movie?” she asked, trying to take his hand. 

“I gotta work, I’m… falling behind, and I…”

“Eden, you’re the hardest worker I’ve ever met,” she laughed, trying again to grab him, but he pulled his hand away. 

“Well it’s not enough,” he said, exasperated. A 4+ on a test he’d spent a week studying for. He’d like to blame it on the fact that he wasn’t focusing on school as much since he’d been dating Mathilde, but that wasn’t true. He was focusing just as much as usual, he was just so stupid that he couldn’t make a 6 if his life depended on it. 

“Woah, hey,” she said, backing up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I just gotta go.”

“Eden, wait, why won’t you talk to me?” she said, face going a little pink. 

“Shh, shh,” he said, bringing one finger to his lips. “Can we just go inside?”

Sighing, she nodded, and they made their way into an empty classroom. As soon as they were their, she looked at him again. “Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Because nothing is wrong,” Eden shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“That’s clearly not true!” she said, shaking her head. “You’re upset! You seem upset after every test! Why won’t you talk to me? I’m your girlfriend, we’ve been dating for seven months- I love you! Why won’t you tell me when something is wrong?!” 

Eden could tell how upset she was getting by the way her words were slipping into each other and her signing was coming fast and furious. He tried to take a deep breath but it was too shaky, and then said, “Because you have enough to worry about.”

At this, Mathilde looked surprised, and then serious. “Are you kidding?” she asked after a beat, eyebrows drawn, insulted. “I have enough to worry about, Eden? God, I thought you could be the ONE person who treated me normally, who didn’t treat me like some sort of freak, but even you-”

“What?” Eden cut in, shaking his head. “What are you talking about?”

“I have enough to worry about? The deaf girl can’t handle anything, can’t even be there for the person she loves, just because her ears don’t work?!” Mathilde spat, tears brimming in her eyes. “I have to deal with people thinking I’m too weak to handle anything everyday of my life! I thought you were different!”

“That’s not what I meant!” Eden said, feeling himself starting to get too upset to keep calm, a sure sign of disaster. 

“Then what did you mean?” Mathilde asked, shaking her head. “If it’s not because I’m deaf, then why won’t you let me all the way in?!” Finally, her tears spilled over, voice cracking. 

“I won’t not talk to you because of you,” Eden said, shaking his head, heart pounding, “I won’t talk to you because of me, because I’m not important! I don’t matter!”

She blinked at him, stunned for a few seconds. And then shook her head. “You think you don’t matter to me?”

“I know that you care about me, and you love me,” he said, crying now, too. His voice caught in his throat. “But I don’t know why. Because I don’t love me.” Bringing up both hands to cover his eyes, he tried to stop the tears. “I’m just worthless.” 

There were a few seconds of silence, and then he heard her walking to him and felt her hands around his wrists, lowering his arms. “You are not worthless.”

“You don’t get it,” Eden shook his head. “You, and Aspen, and Faina, and practically everyone are so important. You’re so smart and talented. And I’m,” his voice filled with frustration, body trembling, “so STUPID.”  
“Eden,” Mathilde shook her head, but he pulled out of her arms, pacing slightly. 

“I can’t do anything. You all work so hard and you succeed, and I work and I work and I work, and I fail, every time. And I can’t complain, because I have it so easy! You’ve all had to overcome these crazy things, you’re so strong and brave! And I haven’t had to overcome anything! I have the easiest path ever!” Letting out a sob, he wiped at his eyes. “And I still can’t make a FUCKING 6!”

“Eden,” she said again, walking to where he was now just standing and crying, feeling miserable and pathetic and like a waste of space. “Eden.”

Instead of saying anything, she just tugged the back of his head down until his face was buried in her shoulder, wrapping both arms tight around his neck and slowly rubbing his back. He hugged around her waist tightly, shaking with sobs. 

After what felt like a long time, she let go, looking up at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he hiccuped. “For raising my voice.”

Giving a small smile, she shrugged. “If there’s anyone that wouldn’t bother, it’s me.”

Eden laughed wetly, wiping at his eyes. “Still, though. It’s not good to yell.”

“Yeah it is,” she shook her head. “Not all the time, but sometimes you just have to let it out.”

Here, he let out another soft sob, rubbing his arms up and down, and so she wiped under his eyes with her thumbs. “Come home with me, love. Let’s go to mine, and we can talk. Okay?”

After a few more quiet seconds, he nodded. “Okay.”

 

The walk home was quiet, which neither of them minded. When they got back to her house, she layed him down in her bed, closed the blinds, and then crawled in next to him, running one thumb over his unruly eyebrow. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Eden shook his head, sitting up. “You’re amazing.”

“I’m sorry for saying you’re just like everybody who treats me like a freak. You’re not. You’re the amazing one,” she said softly, and Eden closed her eyes. “Hey,” she continued. “I’m serious. You are amazing. And important. And you matter. And it breaks my heart to know you don’t believe me. But I want to try to help you get there.”

Sighing a deep sigh, Eden looked at her. “I just can’t do it. No matter how hard I try, I fail.”

“You do not fail, Eden,” she said, with a sort of furious passion that made him almost believe her. “You work so hard, and that is success.”

“But it’s not,” he shook his head. “That’s just what people say to make kids like me feel better.”

Biting her lower lip, Mathilde said, “If you think success is in the difference between a 5 and 6, why don’t you go tell Johan that he’s a failure, since he makes mostly 4s?”

“It’s different,” Eden said. 

“Why is it different? Why are you so hard on yourself, Eden? I love you so much, your friends and family love you so much, and it’s not because of your grades. It’s because you are good. You’re kind, and considerate, and hard worker, and a huge nerd,” here she gave a wet laugh, which he matched. Then she became serious again. “And you are brave. Bravest boy I know.”

Eden stared at her. “I know you believe that. But my brain… doesn’t work like everyone else’s. I have dyslexia, which isn’t an excuse, I know, but I just… no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.”

Face softening, Mathilde shook her head. “But it is enough. You are enough.” She took his head into her hands. 

“You are brilliant,” she whispered, hands strong on either side of his face, voice fierce and sure. 

There was a long quiet. And then he took her hands off his face and layed down. “I’m so tired, Mathilde.”

“Okay,” she said back, laying down next to him. “We can rest.”

He let out a breath, body feeling heavy. He needed rest. 

As he was drifting off, though, she put one hand on his cheek, making him look at her. “Eden.”

“Yeah?”

“You are important. Okay?”

And he’d never heard those exact words before. And something in her voice was so vehemently sure, like it would be an outrage to disagree. And something in her eyes was so kind, and so in love with him. So he nodded at her. 

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments encourage me lots<33


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